Every morning, I spend at least one hour every morning trying to figure out what I want to wear today, what my hair should look like, how I should apply my makeup...
Today, I stepped out of my apartment. Walked ten steps all while looking at my shoes, stopped, turned around, and said, no, fuck, shit. I went inside to change my shoes because my pansy purple flats did not please me. I now had 10 minutes to make it to class.
Some people may call it vain; but for the sake of my pride, we'll say it's not. I know I'm going down the road of trying to "find myself." I hate how cliche that sounds. I'm trying to discover parts of myself, who the inner me is most comfortable being. So I try on different outfits in the morning. So I change my hair every week. So I need variety in my life. So I can choose.
I was told once I was too sensitive. And today, talking about social issues, I found myself tearing up, feeling bitter and angry. I started to cry in front of my boss. I realized when I went to Hong Kong, I put on another outfit, an outfit which caused me to not say how I feel for the safety and ignorance of my conservative family.
Being in St. Louis has been wonderful in the sense that I meet people who will challenge my viewpoints. If I had went to any other school I was considering, I would be in classrooms with the majority of the people thinking the same way and asking the same questions as me. I've definitely grown and learned more than I ever could because I'm in Missouri.
At the same time, I have never felt so stifled as I do right now. I feel like I censor myself more, suppress my thoughts and questions more. So I need to change my outfit. I found myself frustrated and furious last night screaming at Charles about the people's lack of passion and harmony. How people hold their pride close to their chest, afraid that if they venture out, that maybe they will lose something.
So this outfit isn't working for me. It's making me cry and scream. My boss said that I clearly needed an outlet. And that only made me want to cry more. It's funny...I spent my entire life wondering what it was I was passionate about. When I finally found it, I was convinced by other people that it as useless. It's time for me to pick it up again.
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